Creepy, and Completely Unnecessary!

It seems that people have this inherent desire to decorate. I sometimes wonder if the months are riddled with holidays for no other reason than to allow the masses of middle-America to get their decorating fix on.

And when decorating a room, or a cake is no longer enough, pet owners quickly turn to decorating their cats and dogs, rappers turn to decorating their teeth, and parents turn to decorating their children...

Now perhaps its just me, but I find it completely creepy when a newborn infant, or even a toddler is dressed up against their will, or even their knowledge...for a cheap Halloween laugh. If infants weren't so helpless and generally complacent, I doubt they would stand for such ridicule.

Regardless...to satiate my morbid curiosity, I looked to the internet to see what the latest styles and trends are in the realm of infant costumes, here are some of the more disturbing options available today :

1. The White-Trash Yard Flamingo



For those of you who are looking to tick off the HOA, simply dress your child up in this gem, place him or her out in the yard, and wait by the mailbox for the cease and desist that will likely arive within 5-7 business days.


2. The Yellow Cocoon (AKA Banana...)



This outfit requires a little more care, but if you are diligent to water daily, you will be simply tickled with joy by your bouncing baby butterfly that will likely emerge by Thanksgiving.


3. The Lobster Infant



This one has The Little Mermaid's Sebastian rolling in his shell. How could you not find yourself filled with joy as you watch the 6 additional lifeless legs drag across the floor as though your infant was debilitated by a massive bone-crushing object.


4. Humpdty Dumpty Infant



Not only will your infant put the "dump", in "dumpty"... but to continue the theme in your own home, simply place Humpty precariously high on a staircase banister, and see how long it takes junior to have a great fall...


5. Rock-A-Bye Baby



I'm still not sure if this is suppose to be Elvis, or the Legendary "Running Man" Stalker... Dynamo! The webbed fingers are a nice touch regardless...


6. Woopie Cushion Bunting Infant



Imagine the delight your family can share when you quickly slide junior under Grandma Ethel's seat cushion without her knowledge, as she prepares to take a load off.


7. Little Trees Car Freshener Infant



"Hey, what's that savory scent exuding from your vehicle?! ...Oh look, its just little Johnny dangling from the windshield!"

Not only will your car reap the rewards of that unmistakable scent, but think of all the time you could save buckling junior into the cumbersome child-seat. But wait, there's more! When simply hung from the rear-view mirror instead, your precious infant will always be in view as he or she completely obstructs your peripheral vision.


8. Baby Captain Hook Bunting



(Dual-peg legs sold separately...)


and finally...

9. The Sheep Infant



What a fabulous metaphor for those of you who have come to grips with the life of mediocrity the lies ahead for your young one, what better way to showcase your lack of expectation by dressing your child up as a sheep.

(also available in black)

..as you were

Over the limit...Under Arrest!

So I'm guessing you have all seen that PSA against drunk-driving... where the 3 guys get busted for DUIs, and their vehicles are filled with their alcohol of choice, so when the door opens, or the window rolls down, it comes rushing out all over the officer.

Don't get me wrong, I think its a strong campaign, and well executed, there are just a few things that caught my eye :

First off, the execution is extremely stereotypical in its depiction of the 3 characters. The not-so-clean-cut guy, driving around in a beater truck, with a mesh hat, is showcased as driving light beer, the successful business man had a big night of dirty martinis, and the 3rd guy who doesn’t really come as flaming to any degree (but might as well be gay)…. Spills out a car load of cosmopolitans…

So 3 white guys, with 3 drinks unique flavors… In my opinion, if they were all about including the cosmo, maybe they could have considered using a woman. Women get DUIs too you know!

Secondly, Can you imagine the dismay of the guy who got assigned to the Cosmo car. I’m guessing he was just thrilled about the shit-storm his real life buddies would inevitably dish out when they happened across the commercial during a gathering for Monday Night Football.

I know it’s a serious subject, but I personally think they should have added a little more of a comical aspect.

They could have one guy decked out in a parka, with a scarf, and a wool cap, maybe with a slight shiver….sitting in an avalanche of frozen pina colada, with a few limes here and there, so people knew it was pina colada, and not simply snow.

Or better yet! They could have had what looked like a pool of pink cosmopolitan, but when the car door opened, rather than spilling out, the entire mass could have simply jiggled back and forth, as though the guy had just come from a wild night of jell-o shots. Maybe he could have been wearing one of those college acronym sweatshirts, just to drive home the fraternity cliché a bit more.

As you were…

I guess my days of abusing and neglecting Frazier are over!

So I just got back from a quick trip over to circuit city, to pick up a wall mount system for one of my TVs.

As I often do, I decided to take Frazier with me, cause like most dogs, not too many things top a good car ride when you are dog...

I knew pretty much exactly what I was looking for, and I was honestly in and out of the store in 10-15 minutes tops! (5:10-5:25pm)

Even so, I left the rear 2 windows down about 4 inches or so, so keep the air circulating, like I always do.

As I was loading my purchase into my car, I was approached by a smug rental cop security goofball as he communicated via his radio to an un-seen party.

What the F I thought... as my mind raced through all the possible misdemeanors and or felonies I may have unknowingly commited, as my heart started to race.

"Sir... is that your dog?"

"yes..."

"Well...some concern has been expressed regarding his well-being... he looks pretty hot back there, and he is panting"

"I just called them off, but animal control was on the way, and you could have been looking at $1000 fine if it was determined that the animal was distressed..."

Oh for fuck sakes!...

At this point I went from confused to livid. Did some jack-ass with nothing better to do actually take the time to create a scene within the 10-15 minutes I was in the store?!

Clearly this guy and whomever made the initial call for concern have not had much interaction with dogs.... YES! dogs pant...they look hot, but trust me, he is well taken care of...

You know what though...if it will ease your uneducated mind, I will rush him home, and get him into a full bathtub of ice cubes, much like Jean Claude Van Damme would do in Universal Soldier when he began to dangerously over-heat...

So stupid!

Maybe... MAYBE I would consider filing a complaint if I walked into a shopping center, saw a dog in a car, at high noon, with the windows rolled up, and then came out 60-90 minutes later, only to see the same scenario with the dog in the same car, with the windows up... but come on...10 minutes, at 5:30pm, with 2 windows down.... give me a friggin' break!

If what I did is in violation of Denver animal control laws, then what are my alternatives, keep him inside at all time, never satiate his desires to run errands with me?!

Is it a violation to take a dog on a walk during the summer months? Where is the line drawn?

This is such bullshit! I fully intend to get on the horn with Denver Animal control during business hours tomorrow to get to the bottom of this crap.

I am so aggravated! Even though a fine was averted this time, I still feel extremely violated.

...as you were

The world's first bottle to insult your intelligence!

So, I'm guessing by now, many of you have seen the new Coors product offering that has some sort of temperature change mechanism within the label that changes the colors of the mountains when the bottle is considered to be cold, and ready to consume...

What a break-through concept! how did we ever survive before?!

Its such a relief that I can FINALLY get an idea of the temperature of a Coors Light before the first piping hot sip hits my lips.

Oh wait a second!... as humans, we already have a built in method for checking something temperature by simply touching it with our bare hand! ...Idiots

You know what...while they are at it, why doesn't Coors release the worlds first can that lets you know when its empty!... 'cause god knows, the world has suffered enough agony over making our own determination based on the weight difference of a full can, vs. an empty can...

...as you were

A first Time for Everything!

So Here it is, Tuesday, a good 5 days before Sunday... and I already put a check mark next to the "get Father's Day cards" task on my mental task list...

The selection is really quite impressive when you don't wait until 10:30 am on Father's Day, like i tend to do...

By that point, the shelves usually look like that of the pre-hurricane stockpiling rush Florida/Georgia folks are accustomed to.

And while we are on the topic of Father's day, I saw a whole section of Godfather cards. Do people really buy cards for their godfather? Shit... I don't even think I have ever been assigned a godfather.

I will say this though... if Marlon Brando was my dad, I don't think the joke of getting him a "To a very special Godfather" card would ever grow stale. :)

...as you were

Holiday Briefs...

So this morning, as I seductively slipped into my boxers adorned with decorative red Christmas tree balls, I thought to myself, "how about that... middle of June, and I'm wearing Christmas boxers...."

So there is the possibility that I'm just lazy (actually, I know i'm lazy, just not sure if that is the reasoning behind this...) , but I would be willing to bet, most guys out there with some sort of holiday themed underwear, probably wear those puppies all through the year.

While one might think its odd that I'm wearing Christmas boxers this close to Father's Day, I think its even more wierd if a guy packs away his Xmas boxers with the rest of the holiday garb when mid January roles around...

Can you imagine, pulling the xmas decorations box out of the crawl space, expecting to find some garland and a wreath, only to discover that the nativity scene is being fumigated by your grandfather's old stale skivvies?!

An encounter like that would surely cause anyone to spit up their eggnog...

On top of that... Why would any man want to reduce his available assortment of underwear? One could easily get 25-35 days of wear out of those bad boys over the course of the year.

I suppose the only risk being run is that you might stumble into your first sexual encounter with a new spring/summer fling, only to have your partner undo your pants to find a jolly old Saint Nick starring back at them.... I suppose that could be awkward.

even then, the pros clearly outweigh the cons on this one!

....as you were

Take your own life... get a free burrito!

Generally speaking... people are idiots.

It amazes me what people will do for something free.

Apparently today, Chipotle was giving away a free entree to anyone who brought in a canned good. When I first heard about it, I though it sounded like a swell idea! Chipotle organizes something good for society, earns a little good PR, some humanitarians get a free burrito, and the needy get some canned goods....

Then I saw the line at my local Chipotle...

I swear, the line was out the door, and around the building. I didn't hang around to count, but I'm guessing there were at least 70 people in line.

Now assuming 1 minute per person, give or take... that is an hour of waiting in line for a stinkin' burrito, or burrito bowl, if you are watching the carbs...

Have these people never heard of opportunity cost?!

Had I been all-in on the humanitarian part of the idea, I would have tossed my can in the cardboard collection box, and walked across the way to Noodles, where I could pay for a meal, that unlike my Chiptole burrito, would be ready for consumption before the less health conscious start thinking about heading to Taco Bell for 4th meal.

In addition, doesn't giving away an entire meal to someone who is normally on the giving side of the fence... rather than the people who are actually hungry.... kind of go against the purpose?

I have worked on the Chipotle online ordering system, so I know they have hundred of locations across the country. Lets say 500 for simplicity. And lets say that each of those 500 locations gets 200 do-gooders in the door. Thats 100,000 free meals, for the middle class....

I can only speak for myself, but if I were down and out... I would much rather take take on a massive chiptole burrito with some good fixins... rather than sip down a can of Manwich, or possibly some kidney beans.

Which brings me to my next point... How many of these yuppy do-gooders, snagged the crappiest can of crap from their walk-in pantry, as they figured a can of crap is a can of crap...

"I sure hope someone is hungry for a big helping of Campell's Cream of De Baño!"

So here we are... I started out this rant thinking that Chiptole and all its patrons were doing something nice for the community... and now I cant help but feel that Chipotle's efforts were misdirected, and all the people who took part in the publicity stunt were greedy, and basically just taking advantage of a chance for a free meal.

But don't feel bad if you did partake... as I too would have been right there at the sneeze-guard myself, had the line not been so outrageous... I'm merely making an observation of the world in which we live. :)

...as you were.

How do they know?

So for any of you who have ever seen any of the alien movies, you are familiar with the imfamous scene where the alien bursts out of the poor schmuck's chest.

My question is this, how does the alien know to pop out of the chest? Why not pop out of the back, or from the armpit?

I assume its must be fairly, if not pitch black in the cavity where the baby alien temporarily calls home, so how does it go about orienting itself?

I don't know about you guys, but I find this to be a major hole in the plot...

...as you were

The Ultimate Denial

So the other day, I heard a women refer to her dead husband as her "late husband".

Clearly nothing wrong with this approach as its a widely accepted term used in today's society.

However, if you really think about it, maybe it is simply her way of not facing the issue...

Maybe rather than acknowledging that her husband is no longer with us, she would prefer to just assume that he is running late, and that is why he is not here.

For a moment, I considered walking up to this poor women and asking her if her husband at least had the decency to call if he knew he was going to be late...

I'm guessing its a good thing that I "passed" on that idea...

...as you were

@

So what the hell is with the @ symbol.

As a society, are we that friggin' lazy that we need to come up with a symbol for a friggin' 2 letter word?

Is it such a burden on our daily lives to write/type out the letters "a" "t" that some group of influential geniuses decided to coin a single symbol that would greatly simplify our world?!

I think the complexity of drawing the letter "a", and then drawing a protective circular shield around the outside of it...might actually require more ink than a simple "a" and a "t" would...

Couldn't the @ symbol be short for something a little more cumbersome, such as :

Aardvark?
Antarctica?
Antidisestablishmentarianism?

....as you were

Doggie Delcacies

I was eating something standard the other day, perhaps chili cheese Frito's, and along came my dog, Frazier. Boy oh boy was he sure hoping I would elect to cut him in on the action. So, like a good father, I shared the goodness...and tossed him a few

Anyhow, this got me thinking... for dogs, any and all human food is considered a delicacies.

So therefore, dogs are pretty much forced to enjoy all their delicacies from off the floor, or as they fly though the air towards their face.

How would you like it if you had to consume escargot off the floor, or as it flew towards your face.

Poor Fraz...

The Straight Edge

I'm perplexed, where did the first straight edge come from. You know, a perfectly straight edge, that us humans can use to build all the technological miracles of modern society...?

If you think about it, you can only create a straight edge, with another straight edge, that is equally as straight. So where did the very first one come from?

You can use a table-saw to make a straight edge, but a table saw couldn't have been created without a pre-existing straight edge...

Its a modern day chicken-or-the-egg scenario... and by all means, any light you can shed would be must appreciated!

So I'm Lazy...

Well, after plenty of ridicule, I have finally decided to create a blog that, unlike my myspace blog, may actually be respected by the community...or at least by the handful of people that ridiculed me for using the myspace blog feature.

Anyway, that how I got here. And to be honest, blogspot was damn easy to set up.

That brings me another thing about me you might want to know, along the laziness theme. For as technical and digital as many of my friends and colleagues think I am, I'm fairly technically non-savvy, and I don't really care that much.

There are a few software programs I use well, or maybe not even well, but I produce professional results with....but beyond that, I generally a tech n00b. (at least I know what n00b means though.)

Other than that, I will mention that I love music, especially 80's and electronic. I basically have no shame, and I love a good word pun, which any of you who read this will come to realize very quickly. My apologies ahead of time.

In closing, I plan to use this blog for my rants, my ponderings, my theories, and I may even share some of my extensive experience and insights into the software development process, or things I have learned working in the field. I will also bring over some of the more popular blog postings from my myspace account overtime, I hope you don't mind. Thanks.

Other than that, enjoy, and try not to take offense to anything I might say, or any word I might 'mispell', or grammatical error I may done overlook. Oh, I also tend to use the ellipsis mark (...) quite often. Not sure why, I just think it looks good, and is the best way to articulate my pause of though.

Cheers.